Always happy for those little glimmers of hope

Well, another birthday has come and gone with no pregnancy or baby to show for the year. This birthday was filled with highs and lows, but the most important thing was that it ended on a high note.

I'm sorry that there haven't been much posts on my blog lately, but we have kind of been consumed with something the past couple of months and have spent a lot of time in preparation for an adoption that sadly didn't go through.

THE STORY:
In October when we had our last miscarriage, my cousin in Kansas reached out to me and so generously offered to be a surrogate for us. Knowing that we still had a couple of embryos left, she wanted to give us the option of carrying our child in hopes of giving us our dream of being parents. After some discussion with her doctor and my doctor, we realized that it just wasn't going to be in the cards for us. She then asked us if we would be open to adoption. Of course, we told her that we would if it was on our terms and private, not through an agency of any kind.
Long story short, she came to me about the possibility of an adoption. There was a young girl that she knew of that was 30 weeks pregnant and considering adoption. After several conversations with this girl, Ken and I made the decision to drop everything and travel to Kansas where she lived to meet with her, at her request. One long weekend in February, we drove the 1,000 miles there to spend about 3 1/2 hours with her over dinner discussing this baby, the adoption and our plan. The meeting went well, and we prepared to have a little baby in a few weeks. We came home and got busy with an attorney and buying up stuff for the nursery. I remained in contact daily with the birth mother and kept in touch with the "baby daddy" via text message every couple of days.
As the induction date got closer, it seemed that this girl was getting a little wishy washy about her decision, so long story short...we made the decision to walk away. It was just too much emotionally to get involved and her change her mind at the hospital after this baby was born.

Ultimately, it was our decision that we walk away, and although it was a tough one, we just knew that for self preservation, we needed to step back. It was one of the hardest decisions we had to make, but strangely enough, I feel that it was the right decision.

God has our hearts in the palm of his hands, and I know there is something better coming. And should we be blessed with another adoption possibility or even a miracle child of our own, we won't be sharing the news with anyone. It is just too much to have to have them go through our hurt too if something should fall apart.

Thank you for all the prayers and support, it means so much to both of us.

Making Changes

For those of you who follow my TTC blog, you already know that I purchased the book "The Insulin Resistance Diet" book by Dr. Cheryle Hart. I've been reading, highlighting, making notes and making lists for some major changes. I'm super excited and can't wait to get started on Monday. Tomorrow, the plan is to hit the local farmers market here in the Queens City and load up on some veggies and fruit. With the change on season coming, it might be our last visit to the market for a while, which is a major bummer. I love going to the farmers market and getting some good produce, definitely much better than what you get at the grocery store.

We are also going to be going to Lancaster (as usual). My dad sought out a place that's for sale when he was here for us after our miscarriage not too far from my in-laws and we are meeting the realtor tomorrow morning to get a good look inside the house and pass that information on to my dad. I'm kind of excited about the thought of my dad moving up here when he retires in mid December. I've been after him to move up here ever since I moved here, and with him excited about a property in Lancaster, it makes me excited too.

On Sunday, there is going to be an awesome preacher at our church, Jeff LaBourg. He preached at our Evangelism Conference a couple years back, and I just love to hear him preach. He is like a good old fashion revival preacher...and always speaks with such passion and fire.

As for the book I bought. I plan on being completely done with it by Sunday and be ready to rock and roll with the "Link and Balance" plan.

Everyone get out there and enjoy the Halloween weekend!

Time to Take CHARGE!!!

Ok friends, after several weeks of thinking, praying and being in a funk. I have decided not to end this journey of TTC. I've decided that I'm not going to let it beat me down, and I'm not going to let it win. It's time to take charge of this difficult thing called INFERTILITY

With that being said, I've decided to keep my TTC blog, A Journey To Conceive live and will continue to blog about my journey (I updated on that blog today, so make sure you check it out!).

This blog is going to also stay fresh and updated, but more about regular life, love, travel, etc... So, for those of you who follow me here now because you followed me on my other blog, I hope you stick around...that is if you find the rest of my life interesting. Otherwise, I hope to see you over there!

Thanks for all the kind emails, support and love you guys have been showing me during this difficult time. Your prayers mean so much to us!

Trying to move on

One of my friends on Facebook had a status this morning that read:

"Pictures may speak a thousand words, but silence answers all the questions."

I've got to admit that probably a week ago I would have completely agreed with that, but this morning I feel completely different. Silence is bringing me nothing....but just silence. I've been trying to wrap my mind around what we have gone through and I honestly just feel like I am the brunt of a big fat joke. I'm having better moments than I did have two or three days ago, but it's times like this, when I am sitting around the apartment, alone...when I feel so lost and empty inside...LITERALLY! I just don't know how to pick myself up from this and move forward, and search for Higher Ground.

One thing I do know is that my heart and mind need to have a break from the journey of trying to conceive and the whole battle with infertility. How long that break will be is still a mystery to me. Right now I feel like it will be forever, but I'm also finding it hard to consider that I will never have the chance to hold a baby in my arms that belongs to me! I have, after all, been struggling with infertility my whole life an have been actively trying to conceive for over 15 years. Right now I am feeling completely defeated.

So...from this day forward, this blog isn't going to be just about trying to conceive...matter of fact, it might never come back around to trying to conceive again...who knows? This new blog is to help me keep my sanity. To get me back to some sort of functioning woman, wife, friend, daughter...that doesn't have her single vision only on the mission of trying to have a baby. My hope is that this blog will help me to put focus on other things. To share some laughter and some fun and some points of view. I think I still have some of that in me...I HOPE!

So, with that being said, for those of you who have followed my Journey to Conceive blog, I hope that you find me interesting enough to continue to follow me as I search for Higher Ground!

Oh, and please bare with me as I do some tweaking to this blog, and make it a little more "pretty" to look at!